First let me tell you that I’m a very awkward person.
When Chef Comte and I started dating, all I could think about was how awkward I was. I didn’t know how to date someone as cool as he. The first time I saw him, he walked into the room and everyone yelled, “Scott Comte!” Yeah, people liked him a lot. They still do. Everywhere we go, we run into someone he knows who wants to talk to him, ’cause when you that cool….
Uh, not me.
Back in high school, I was the shy, awkward girl, super quiet in class, afraid to say anything to anyone because I was afraid of what people would think when they saw who I really am. In college, I wasn’t much better. I hardly talked to anyone in class or in the halls. In between class time, when I needed to get somewhere else–another class, a chair, the cafeteria–I stared straight in front of me so I wouldn’t catch anyone’s eye and have them think I was staring or something. I don’t know. I’m an odd person. And then in the corporate world, yeah, I had to put myself out there a bit. I had to talk to people. I had to get my job done. But in social situations at work… I had no idea what to do with myself, how to talk to anyone about stuff besides work.
I’m very awkward in social situations. I don’t know how to talk to people, how to start a conversation, how to keep a conversation going. Why do people invite me to things?
Sometimes, when the mood gets really awkward, I make a dumb remark about snakes or something to try to break the tension. My brain says, “So funny. Good one.” The person I’m talking to is probably thinking, “What?”
Yes, I admit it, I’m afraid of people. I’m terrified that when I start talking to someone new, they will realize I’m a crazy, boring girl and turn their attention elsewhere, and then I’ll look like a fool, not sure what to do with myself after being rejected.
I know. I’m overreacting and overdramatizing the whole thing. Most likely, people could care less. They have their own things to worry about.
Do you feel that way? Honestly, the older I get, the more I realize I’m not the only one with these problems. Awkward problems. Afraid-of-rejection problems that lead to not-allowing-others-to-get-to-know-the-real-me problems.
And when I have put myself out there, I’ve been surprised that people maybe kinda like me, maybe…
Okay, I know, this is a crazy ramble. What I’m really trying to say is that we are all awkward. We do weird things. We have our quirks. We all want to be liked. We all want friends. We want people to accept us for who we are. All that jazz.
One of my goals for 2019 is to put myself out there more, be more vulnerable, because when we put ourselves out there, we allow others in. We make connections. And our story may be what someone else needs. Or through the connections we make while putting ourselves out there, we may find the story we need right now to help us through whatever we’re going through.
Yes, we may have boring times and our lives might not be Insta-worthy with great workouts, trendy fashion, fabulous DIY homes, or amazing family time, but the world needs us. It needs you. It needs me.
So, as part of my goal to put myself out there, I’m going to embrace my awkwardness. It’s okay that I am a little clumsy and I say weird things like, “Remember that time the cannibals ate Bob’s leg right in front of him?” five times a week during dinner. It’s just who I am.
I think I’m realizing that I like who I am and I want so share my quirky crazy self with the rest of the world. I like being me. I like awkward Sara.
Hi. I’m Sara and I’m awkward.
Take that world!
In 2019 I’m full on–well, baby steps–embracing the awkward.